Why? Part 1 – Mental Disease November 19, 2006
Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , 2 commentsThis is probably the question a lot of people will wonder, ask and make assumptions about. The primary reason is bi-polar disorder. As a psychology major, I recognize this problem in myself. In fact, I self diagnosed it in my teens before it was “properly” done by a psychiatrist. I don’t remember how I knew I had it…
At any rate, for those of you not well versed in psychological lore, bi-polar disorder is a mood disorder that basically involves going from depressed to Really energetic. Wikipedia has a decent entry on it. Rather than regurgitate what I’ve learned about it from books, I’d rather express it in a first hand account.
My brain is on a roller coaster. I’ve done a pretty good job of hiding all this from friends btw. I mean sure most people think I’m strange, but in an aloof, scholarly sort of way. Eccentric might be a better term. People consider me smart, and accept my odd mannerisms as part of that stereotype. (Two points I’d like to make here. A) I’m one of the stupidest people I know, a side effect of this illness. B) This is all my perception of the situation. Perhaps people Don’t consider me smart. But this is how I see the world around me. I hope it is objective.)
During the depressed periods, I simply didn’t hang out with people. During the manic episodes, I tried not to be too huge a dick (I got better control over this after the teen years).
But how I treat the people around me is only a small effect of the disease.
My brain feels like it’s on Fire. I am constantly thinking. Have you seen Groundhog’s Day? Imagine running similar yet slightly different situational analyses ALL the time. It hurts. It’s emotionally draining and mentally tiresome, both of which make me weak physically.
Then there’s the Constant thought of suicide. You should kill yourself. KILL yourself, omG I want to DIE, why am I still alive, Kill yourself. Come On man, let’s just DO it. I know I know, It’s HARD though. Everyone shut the fuck up. Kill yourself. Kill me, someone. Look we are going to do it, just relax. Kill Yourself.
Seem insane? It is, and it is going on in my head faster than the speed of thought every waking moment.
Those of us with bi-polar disorder are Far more likely to commit suicide. Because of that, I list this illness as the #1 reason WHY I did this.
I am dead November 18, 2006
Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , 2 commentsOk so, I’m not dead yet, not really. Obviously, I’m writing this post. But by the time You read this, I WILL be dead. I thought it would be interesting to post my suicide note out over the course of time. So even though I’m dead, new material will still pop up here now and again. Freaky huh? Yeah well, I thought I’d do sth creative.
I will try to make each post comprehensible, but bear with me. Some of it may sound/be quite insane. My apologies.
The goals of these posts are simple: Explain my suicide as best as possible, say things I’ve wanted to say, and entertain weirdos that like to read suicide notes(which, btw, is most of us. We all have a macabre voyeuristic side. This is your chance to get a glimpse of the mind at war with itself… anonymously… I hope you enjoy.)
You can see my super awesome YouTube suicide video HERE.
Heroes and Time Travel November 6, 2006
Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , 4 commentsThe show Heroes that has begun this season is quite good so far. It’s only on ep 6 or so, but it’s superhero/power based. Anything about that topic draws me in, so Maybe I’m biased.
One of the characters is Hiro (pun intended) has the ability to bend space and time. He’s my favorite character because he’s well written, and because these are the powers I would choose, if I Could choose. But if I had his abilities… what would I DO?
Would I go back just a few years and win the lottery? Would I go back at all? What if going back, meant losing the powers? After all, if the powers were caused by an internal mutation, by going back in time, and becoming temporally younger biologically, I could LOSE the powers… and if the actions I take in the past change the future, I may never reGAIN the powers…
So what would I do? Would I go back and do more research in University so I could obtain my goals? Would I go back to High School and be a better student, to get into a better University? Perhaps I should go back to Junior High, and be less of a prick, a better son… I could go younger and be a better brother.
But what if this meant that my Aunt never met my Uncle, and thus my Cousin was never born?
I could go back and prevent 9/11, or try.. but why stop there? Should I go back and stop WWII? or I? or should I go back and stop slavery? The amount of wrongs I could try and go back and put right would Never end. Also, as anyone that reads about time travel knows, attempts to right the past end up simply causing the same thing to occur, or worse!
So in fact I would Never go back in time before the day I actually obtained the power. Any days beyond That however, are fair game.
I would constantly keep a 5 minute look ahead to prevent my death. While the timestream should fluctuate exponentially the farther you look, I expect a 5 minute view to have at least in the upper 90th %ile.
Next I would travel into the future and get technology unknown in our times. Weapons, medicines, computer… a wide assortment of things. Coming back into our time, I would begin by taking out drug lords and major but untouchable criminals.
For those of you that have read/seen Deathnote (a GREAT manga) I would be similar to Light. By stopping time it would be Quite simple to assassinate the people that are evil (imo). So long as I knew where they would be at some point, I would be able to simply assassinate them in an untraceable method. Also, being able to destroy drug factories as I found them would be a benefit.
Of course traveling around with time frozen and “people maps” would be tedious and hard work. If possible, I would put together a group of people to help me.
At no point would I tell anyone the truth about How I’m stopping time. I would explain the temporal manipulation as a technology that I developed. I would carry an odd looking remote control looking device, that I would manipulate whenever using my power. This performance and misdirection would be for my own safety. If any of my team was looking for the source of my power, they wouldn’t look to kidnap me before simply attempting to steal the device… or so I could hope.
Tracking down Osama Bin Laden would be fun. Not for the reasons you might assume. Finding him will be difficult.
A lot of the people I want to get to would be hard to find… but the location of Everyone, is known by someone. I would start with the American intelligence agencies. I would leave notes on the desk of the heads of FBI, CIA, NSA and the President.
Imagine a moment where you look at your desk and a note is there offering death to your enemies if you simply make a map of where they are. All of these criminals have enemies that know where they are, but simply can’t reach them. I would give them the access they need.
So after finding and killing all these criminals, what next?
Only the future will tell, but the future tech that I brought back: the cures, the computers… the cars… I’d put it use.
Btw, Osama Bin Laden? I’d interview him first.
brain Eater October 27, 2006
Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a comment
brain Eater
Originally uploaded by AkumAPRIME.
I feel like that picture makes you feel: dizzy and confused. I’ve recently installed Linux, Ubuntu edgy flavor. It’s cool, it’s fun, but it’s totally different and it took me a day and a half to figure out a very simple thing. I’m pasting it here for myself for future reference
sudo apt-get install 915resolution
915resolution -l and choosing a resolution you don’t use, like 1600xsomething
sudo gedit /etc/default/915resolution and set x=1280, y=800, mode=3d (or whatever mode you don’t need)
sudo /etc/init.d/915resolution start
Restart X (ctrl-alt-bkspc)
Oh man.. well, My Box Man costume 2.0 is done. I’m ready for Halloween. I’ll be back with pics and video within a few days.
Peace
Firefox 2.0 is here today! October 24, 2006
Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life,News , add a comment
Firefox 2.0 is out today, YAY!!! Go to GetFirefox.com and download it… now, I’m serious, I’ll wait… ok, now click on THIS AND THIS to download these package of addons that will make your browsing experience beautiful. Once you’ve DLed these two files and installed Firefox, go to tools, Add ons. A seperate window will open. Drag the .XPI file into the extensions area, then click on Themes up top, and drag the .JAR file into the box. Make sure you click on Use Theme for Noia 2.0. Then simply restart Firefox, and voila, you’re good to go.
I haven’t posted anything in a while, but this was worth noting. Everyone should be using an alternative to Internet Explorer, Firefox and Opera being the best, but I love the extensibility of Firefox…
I’m off to ponder my future a bit, and try to get this grad school stuff moving. See ya!
Yoga Anyone? October 9, 2006
Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a comment
Originally uploaded by AkumAPRIME.
So recently I’ve had the time to do some photography. I really enjoy this style called HDR (High Dynamic Range), an example of which you can see above. I’ve gone to two FlickrMeets and met a few other users, which was fun and educational (photography wise).
I’ve been doing Bikram Yoga pretty consistently for the past month. I haven’t been biking as much as I’d like though 
I joined a bike club about… 7 months ago or so, and I haven’t gone once. I planned on going this saturday, but, of course, something came up. I think they have a ride on sunday too, so I’ll try and hit that one up. I doubt they’ll be happy to let me stop and take pictures every mile though.
A High School class mate I haven’t seen in >6 years is in town for a few weeks… So I have to balance funtime with her and my Grad school stuff. My Cousin Michelle 3.4 times removed is an advisor, and she hooked me up with all kinds of info. Thanx Michelle!
My Three Churches October 5, 2006
Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life,Philosophy , add a comment
One of the Worst product names I’ve seen
Originally uploaded by AkumAPRIME.
It might surprise Many of you that I am a member of Three Churches: The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Church of Bob and most recently, the Church of Google.
I post about this now for two reasons. A) Three is a magic number. B) the Church of Google is special. Most modern religion, or at least the dominant ones, worship intangible, esoteric deities. Older religions worshipped more accessable things such as the Sun or earth or sea. So the Church of Google is different in that it deifies something that we can all perceive. The effects of Google are indisputable. You ask Google a question, and Yay I say unto thee, it doth Answer. Unlike prayers to abstract gods, the benefits of worshipping real things are far more obvious and definite. Google is even a kind enough God to allow you to search for other Gods through it… Truly, a beneficent Lord.
So if anyone wants to join my Churches, please just follow the links above. Ah, I must note: Whenever these Churches are referred to as “parody” religions, please understand that these are words of ignorance. Truly these Religions are the True Religions, and their members are devout.
May his Noodly Appendage bless thee, We are All BOB, Google
The Game October 1, 2006
Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life,News,Philosophy , add a comment
Originally uploaded by AkumAPRIME.
Happy 24th Birthday Kimmmy!
There’s a Great book called “The Game” by Neil Strauss that I just finished reading. Ostensibly it’s a book about a writer that gets involved in the world of pick up artists. Assuming his whole story is as true as he claims, he spends at least two years and becomes the worlds #1 PUA. The psychology of picking up women, the acronyms, the competition. The characters are great, the writing is good and the story is strong. Despite all appearances otherwise, the book is really about being happy with yourself and not trying to fill holes in your life with things such as sex or drugs. It’s a story of personal growth. If you have the chance, pick it up. Afterwards, if you go sarging, you missed the point.
This weekend I went on my first FlickrMeet, where photograpers from Flickr *gasp* Meet up and shoot an event. I only met one guy at the Korean Cultural Center grand opening, but the event was planned in less than a day. There is another this Saturday where, hopefully, more will attend. Click HERE to see the event photos.
And of course, the links I’ve found recently, from Stumble and Reddit:
Can anyone find a list like this of Democrats, or any other party? I’d Love to see it…
Relationship status as a function of physical and mental attractiveness… I love that Null set!
The Constitution 2.0: Two of my family members weren’t really aware that Habeus Corpus had been excised in recent legislation. When we talked about it, they really seemed to believe that this is a new war and a new time and that since, historically, civil rights were limited in war times, this was ok and obviously should occur now. They also seemed to be ok with ignoring the Geneva Convention. They argued that if France had had terrorists attack their buildings, they’d be doing the same thing, as if it would be ok for them to do it…. and thus now it’s ok if We do it. They said that if Shahin had been killed in war time, that I would be ok with it.
I guess the point is that you have to remove yourself from all those hypotheticals. You have to remove yourself from the anger and bias they incite. The “personal experience” so highly valued is actually a huge source of error. Objectivity is the way to go. Cold, rational, empirical logic is more effective. The kind of observations that point out that the war in Iraq is making terrorism worse are the kind we need to pay attention to. The kind of evidence that shows that torture is an awful way to get accurate information is the kind we need to look at.
During this argument, the two stated that they were just as unhappy with Bush, etc. How simple for them to say that, though they had voted for Bush previously. I claim those that vote a President into office should share some culpability, even if only morally. It shouldn’t be as easy as just switching sides and saying, ” Yeah we were wrong, we don’t like him now.” I was then asked if I should assume some of the cupability of what Clinton did. I asked, “What did Clinton do wrong?”
Two things were brought up. One was “what Clinton did.” Aghast, I correctly assumed this referenced the blow job. Yes he shouldn’t have lied about it, but the reality is, nothing really bad went on. Previous Presidents have done far worse things in the White house sexually. The second was a question; what did Clinton Do? the question was empty, as if Clinton had done Nothing during his time in office. Allow us to assume Clinton did nothing, though this is patently false. Did he lie us into wars? Did he take all of our money and spend us into an insanely high deficit? The comparisons between the two administrations could go on endlessly, but quickly we can see just how awful Bush’s is.
This argument flowed next to talking about taxes. Now here I tread on ground where I am not fully situated. I haven’t thought enough about the matter, nor do I know enough about it (aside from the fact that it’s overly complicated, has too many loopholes, favors the top %1, and needs to be changed). I’ve always been a fan of the flat percentage rate. Everyone pays 20% (or whatever is necessary) of what they make and voila, you’re done. But of course, this is far to simple for the reality of the situation. So I’m going to investigate the tax system and get back to you on this point when I’m done.
But until then, please realize that the Republican party needs to go. The Democrats are too weak to check them, and in all honesty, should probably go too. I’m telling you people, the green party and the libertarians need to team up. And you need to vote for them.
Ah, to have your intelligence quantified… September 25, 2006
Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a comment
Originally uploaded by AkumAPRIME.
I took the GRE today. I got a 690 on the Verbal (91st %ile) and a 750 on the quantitative (93rd %ile). I wanted to hit 700 and 700, so I fell short on my verbal section, but I did better on the quantitative. I’m quite happy with my scores but there’s still one other part to the test.
The writing analysis section is arguably the most imortant section of the test to me, and will take 3 weeks to get to me. If I get a 5 or 6 (out of 6) I’ll be satisfied. Any lower and I’ll consider retaking the test.
Damn damn DAMN… During the writing analysis, I had to refer to the Principal of a school about three times. I’m pretty sure I misspelled it as Principle. This will cost me half a point at the very least. I can only hope everything else makes up for it.
Now I have to worry about my Statement of Purpose, letters of recommendation and applications to schools.
The fact that school applications are $90 online is outRageous. Just to apply to my top 5 schools will cost me $500 dollars, which is insane.
they all Fall down September 23, 2006
Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a commentIt’s the first day of Autumn… I love Autumn… The colors of the trees, the crunch of the leaves as you walk, brisk zephyrs, clearer skies… It’s not that I don’t like Summer; I Love summer! But I enjoy the change. Autumn is a sign that the year is coming to an end you better get all those things done you wanted to this year, or you’re going to fall behind.
I take the GRE in two days. My target score is 700/700/5 out of 800/800/6. I consistently have been scoring about 690 on my practice tests, so I’m close to where I want to be. I need to slooooowwww dooowwwnnn… I end my tests with 3 to 10 minutes to spare… so I know if I pace myself better I can improve my score. I’d better get back to practicing, but before I go:
:::Edit:::
So I put John’s Background Changer on my mom’s new laptop. I had it display the best of Flickr stream, and she and my step-dad thought they were my photos… I wish Hey. I updated this blog and suddenly got hits in China, Taiwan, Turkey and the UK. Do some people have me RSSed or sth? If there are any readers of my site that I don’t know, please contact me. I would Love to know who you are :D!!!
Reddit Links!
Clinton doesn’t take any Bullshit!
Osama Bin Laden reported dead from Typhoid fever. This is an unverified report.
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