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Why? Part 1 – Mental Disease November 19, 2006

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , trackback

This is probably the question a lot of people will wonder, ask and make assumptions about. The primary reason is bi-polar disorder. As a psychology major, I recognize this problem in myself. In fact, I self diagnosed it in my teens before it was “properly” done by a psychiatrist. I don’t remember how I knew I had it…

At any rate, for those of you not well versed in psychological lore, bi-polar disorder is a mood disorder that basically involves going from depressed to Really energetic. Wikipedia has a decent entry on it. Rather than regurgitate what I’ve learned about it from books, I’d rather express it in a first hand account.

My brain is on a roller coaster. I’ve done a pretty good job of hiding all this from friends btw. I mean sure most people think I’m strange, but in an aloof, scholarly sort of way. Eccentric might be a better term. People consider me smart, and accept my odd mannerisms as part of that stereotype. (Two points I’d like to make here. A) I’m one of the stupidest people I know, a side effect of this illness. B) This is all my perception of the situation. Perhaps people Don’t consider me smart. But this is how I see the world around me. I hope it is objective.)

During the depressed periods, I simply didn’t hang out with people. During the manic episodes, I tried not to be too huge a dick (I got better control over this after the teen years).

But how I treat the people around me is only a small effect of the disease.

My brain feels like it’s on Fire. I am constantly thinking. Have you seen Groundhog’s Day? Imagine running similar yet slightly different situational analyses ALL the time. It hurts. It’s emotionally draining and mentally tiresome, both of which make me weak physically.

Then there’s the Constant thought of suicide. You should kill yourself. KILL yourself, omG I want to DIE, why am I still alive, Kill yourself. Come On man, let’s just DO it. I know I know, It’s HARD though. Everyone shut the fuck up. Kill yourself. Kill me, someone. Look we are going to do it, just relax. Kill Yourself.

Seem insane? It is, and it is going on in my head faster than the speed of thought every waking moment.
Those of us with bi-polar disorder are Far more likely to commit suicide. Because of that, I list this illness as the #1 reason WHY I did this.


1. lornahb - November 19, 2006

my darling evan,
i have watched you struggle for a long time. your brillant mind was awesome, admired by people around the world. i am so grateful for your last 5 years, so exciting, so full. and now, finally, that you are at rest.
peace and love,
your mom

2. AkumAPRIME - November 20, 2006

AkumAPrime was one of my best friends. I love you Evan. I will never forget you.