jump to navigation

The Last Word November 29, 2006

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , 4 comments

It’s really tempting to get the last word in with people, but I’m not going to do it, not intentionally. There are Many arguments and debates I’ve had with people where I could do this, but why bother? The point is I don’t Care anymore. Getting the last word in would show just how much this banal, mediocre existence mattered, and that my death is for the wrong reasons.

Once Upon a Time… November 28, 2006

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a comment

I was the one that stole Bertrand’s $40.

Previous Attempts. Obviously Failures

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a comment

I think when I was 16 or 17, in a manic episode prior to a suicide attempt I shaved one eye brow off. I tried to explain it away to friends as a pre-halloween.. nonsense.. IDK.. something stupid and confusing enough to take their minds off the curiosity of the act itself.

I tried asphyxiating myself in the shower with plastic bags, to no avail. I hadn’t quite conditioned myself for anything like that yet. Even so, the length of time it takes to asphyxiate is so long… the “life urge” so strong… I couldn’t do it now if I wanted to.

I thought about slitting my wrists, but was worried about scars if I failed.

The next day, I took a Bunch of pills I found in my house somewhere. They were old, and at this point I didn’t really know that the efficacy of suicide by pill was so low. I hopped on the bus to go visit a friend, and near my stop I got Very nauseous and tossed right when I got off the bus. It probably looked strange to any passersby.

None of these worked, sadly. Better luck next time?

Why before the Holidays? Why not after? November 24, 2006

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a comment

Well, I thought about doing this After the holidays, giving my family that one last season, etc. But then I thought about how much I Dread the holidays. The stress, the pressure. I know the food is great, but there’s so much to Do during the holidays. I simply didn’t feel like putting myself through it. Please realize that even getting out of Bed is hard. I have spent the past 2 weeks basically sitting in my room on this computer. I might leave at night or go on a date, but mostly, I’ve been sitting here… Doing Nothing. Because Nothing is all I feel like doing and being.

and is That really the kind of person I want to be for the next 1.5 months? Is is the person my family is going to want to be with?


Funerals are for the Living November 23, 2006

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a comment

I don’t really care what anyone does at any funeral or whatever, so long as there is no religious nonsense of Any sort. I know some of my family members are retardedly devout, but the only reason I could possibly have to come back to life and kick some ass is if anyone gets religious about me.

By the time you’re reading this, I will have the answer to “What happens after you die.” This means I am now your superior on All matters of life and death. The last thing I need is for anyone to mutter mumbo-jumbo around me.

I’m going to India…. psych!

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a comment

In order to have Some sense of good-bye with my friends, I told them I was going traveling again. But sadly, I didn’t get the kind of farewell I wanted.

I wish suicide was a socially acceptable alternative. I would love to talk to my friends and say a real, Final farewell. I would love for anyone I know with questions about me or my life to send them to me so I could die without taking mysteries with me.

As it is, I’ll be leaving my passwords in the hands of those I trust, so full access to my files will be possible.

Ah, so, sorry to my friends for the deception… but I hope you understand and forgive my intent. I can’t(couldn’t?) allow anyone else’s selfishness to interfere with my selfishness.

How? The decision making process November 22, 2006

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a comment

How does one kill oneself? What do I need to consider?

  1. First of all, this is/was (tense is hard to deal with in a suicide letter. Pardon me if I switch it around now and again.) NOT a cry for help. I want to die, so the 1st priority is making sure that, whatever method I choose, it is effective.
  2. Secondly, the less pain I feel, the better.
  3. Third, the less mess I make, the better.
  4. Fourth, the Easier it is to DO the better.

Ok, a gun is Very effective, but could be painful, Very messy, and I think moderately difficult.

Drowning is pretty certain, I think painful, not messy, but HARD TO DO… jeez asphyxiation is difficult. I tried in High school, and failed. As a side note, I was never willing to try and slit my wrists because if I failed, I would be marked a failure forever. The public stigma against suicide is strong.

Pills are FAR from certain (that’s why women keep failing to kill themselves successfully. They keep trying this method) Since it fails priority 1, it’s out.

Cover myself in blood and jump in a shark orgy. Ok I’m kidding, c’mon.

N20 – Nitrous Oxide poisoning: Quite effective, Very painless, No mess, pretty easy

That’s why I chose it :D

Another side note: I read a Very interesting article about those high on thrill-seeking that are suicidal, as I am. The author hypothesized that the thrill seeking behavior is a way to train the brain and body to handle near death and highly dangerous experiences to prepare for that Final experience. After all, if you’ve already jumped out of a plane and off a mountain, just pulling that trigger becomes easier.

Why? Part 2 – Life, the Universe and People. November 21, 2006

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , 1 comment so far

Why did I choose to die? I already spoke of my mental illness. That is the most objective reason I can give. Here are my personal reasons, which are subjective, and may be Total rationalizations. Go get some salt.

I’m an Atheist. I believe there is no afterlife and no God. I’m gonna’ find out! :D

A lot of Atheists talk about how precious life is due to the fact that it is our Only life. That’s all well and good, but I will liken it to a video game or book or movie. If this game/book/movie is our ONLY game/book/movie, but it SUCKS ( I mean it’s Painfully bad) is it even WORTH it to watch it? I’ve decided NO, it isn’t. For those of you self-righteous enough to judge my choice foolish, all I can say is.. I couldn’t care less. Unless you have a serious mental disorder torturing you in ways the “normal” can’t understand, please stfu. thanx.

Computer addiction: Mine is pretty bad. Not the worst, but getting there.

I am a drain on my family’s resources. I am a financial parasite. I don’t like the feeling.

Arrogance: Perhaps a side effect of my disease, I am quite vain. Interestingly, at a higher level I Know I’m not better than others, but in terms of actions, I only associate myself with those I believe to be “higher” in some way: looks, brains, humor. I hate that.
So those are my internal reasons. Let’s look outside.

Could you imagine if I was like this with a wife and kids? I would Hate to do this to even More family, especially my own progeny. Think of this as a pre-emptive strike.

The people on this planet make me sick. Don’t get me wrong, I’m human too. Yet, if all the religious people on this planet could be killed in one fell swoop, I’d bet my life the world would be a better place.

Religion, rape, greed, genocide, lying, drugs, torture, stupidity, gullibility, apathy, actor worship, unnecessary SUVs, littering, cigarettes and their smokers… The majority of Humanity, if not the entire species, disgusts me.

So that’s 6.5 billionish reasons why I want to die. CHOOSE to die! Hope it’s enough… Hope it’s a choice…

Evan’s Memorial (posted by Shahin and Max) November 20, 2006

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , add a comment

   We are close friends of Evan, and  he recently he gave us administrative permissions on this site. We had no idea why at the time, but now we feel that this is probably the best way to communicate with his many friends that are grieving and following his posts on this blog.Â

Unfortunately, this is real. We know that some people have been confused by the fact that entries to this blog are being posted by a time release, and perhaps because it is just so hard to believe that he is gone. But this is not a hoax, and we all miss him. Posts will continue to appear for quite a while.

There will be a memorial for him at his home this coming Saturday and all are welcome. The info is as follows:

Saturday, November 25th
2:00 PM

15437 Camarillo St.
Sherman Oaks, CA 91403

Please RSVP to restinpeaceEvan@yahoo.com . We will be sharing our stories, memories, sentiments, and honoring his life.

If you have any questions, or just want to talk to someone that loved him too, please call us:

Shahin Amir: (818) 325-7233
Max Schwartz:(917) 607-3946
Adam Cloud: (818) 602-9484
Dylan Sachs: (818) 518-6906

Feel free to browse this site to see all the wonderful posts, photographs and links that he entered in the last two years. He was a wonderful writer, photographer, philosopher and friend.

With undying love,
Max and Shahin



I’m Really Sorry

Posted by AkumAPRIME in : Life , 2 comments

Suicide is often referred to as Selfish. What a selfish act! It’s just as selfish for you to demand I stay alive for you. So I’m not sorry for killing myself.

I AM sorry for all the people I’ve hurt in my life though, for whatever reasons. Without offering any kind of excuses, I really hope it can all be forgiven. I know it’s a lil’ manipulative to be dead and ask to be excused, because really, what are you going to do, say no? lolol